For the past two years there wasn't a day that went by that I didn't think about alcohol. I'd make plans around alcohol. It had become an obsession in my life. I craved it daily, sometimes hourly.
Obsession and cravings are small parts of what make an alcoholic. I was in denial that I even struggled with this disease until about a month ago when I entered treatment. In fact, I even went to AA for months. I could admit to myself that I had a problem with alcohol, but I wasn't an alcoholic, I couldn't be. My drinking progressed to the point that I knew I needed help.
That's when I made the hard decision to move from my current home of Norfolk, VA and move back to Cleveland. It wasn't until I sat in a chair in a treatment center back home that I realized how serious my disease was.
Once I moved back from Cleveland, I assumed I'd be able to quit drinking. I certainly didn't want to put my family through this. I had no idea how powerful this disease really was. When I moved back my cravings followed me. I was doing everything in my power to find a drink.
If you're not an alcoholic or addict of some kind it's really hard to explain this disease and the power of a craving. I remember even a month ago people in AA telling me to be patient and wait, that my cravings would end along with the obsessions. I certainly didn't believe them.
Then yesterday, I realized that I wasn't obsessing about alcohol. I wasn't looking for ways to sneak a beer. This is a tiny miracle for me.
Getting sober hasn't been easy, my life hasn't magically improved. I still have other things I'm struggling with daily.
I never believed in miracles before, until I experienced one. I don't have this whole faith thing figured out but, I can certainly tell you that my higher power is working in my life.