Last night my whole body was in so much pain I almost threw up.
Nothing I did would ease the pain. 10 months ago I tore a tendon in my foot while running that never healed properly. On November 9th, 2022 I had foot surgery.
The months have been pure torture. Because of being inactive, and wearing a surgical boot my whole body is out of whack. I already have herniated discs in my back. My back, feet, and legs are in almost constant pain. I've been in physical therapy for months and seen every specialist available to me.
My pain is so bad that at times I deal with passive suicidal ideation. So, I'm considering smoking weed.
This is a complicated decision for me because I am 3.5 years sober, I create content online about being sober, and I run a business supporting people in their sobriety.
I am conflicted because part of me just wants to try it to relieve the pain I'm in. The other part of me feels like a failure for not being able to handle the pain. I feel shame and guilt.
I realize that many of the reasons I don't want to use weed for my pain are rooted in old school Alcoholics Anonymous thinking. That if I use any mind altering substance, I am somehow a failure and no longer sober.
At 3.5 years into recovery I realize that I've begun to cling too tightly to sobriety as a label and an identity. I hate to admit it, but it's almost become a personality trait.
I don't feel that I've accomplished much in my adult life, but sobriety is a badge of honor I wear proudly. At any time I can go online and state that I'm sober and I will be flooded with accolades. It feels good.
But, if I smoke weed, I can no longer make the claim that I am sober.
I'm glad that I am having this experience because it's causing me to take a critical look at the word sober and how I'm using it in my life.
The verdict is still out on if I will use weed or not, but if I do, I'm sure I will certainly have some feelings about that I'll need to share so stay tuned.