Learning To Forgive Myself

That Friday night started out like any other. I went to my favorite local wine bar, had a glass of wine and took a bottle home to split with my husband. Clayton and I drank wine while mindlessly scrolling on our phones and watching Netflix. Eventually, Clayton fell asleep on the couch. I on the other hand was still wide awake and very buzzed. I text my neighbors and asked if they were still up and wanted to hang out. They did. So I walked next door and had a few more drinks with them.

Around 2 a.m. they told me they were tired and needed to get to bed. At that point, I should’ve just gone home. But, I didn’t. Instead, I went inside, threw on a hoodie, poured myself more wine and began to wander my neighborhood looking for people who were still awake.


I knocked on a few doors and 2 people answered, sleepy and confused. Why was there a girl in a robe holding a wine glass standing at my door at 3 in the morning. Nobody wanted to hang out with me. I didn’t let this deter my search. Eventually, I found a house that had their lights on, and music coming from the backyard. Jackpot! I got to the house and saw that they had a big privacy fence up blocking the entrance to their backyard. There was also a No Trespassing sign. I decided this sign did not apply to me, so I hopped the fence.


Behind the fence I found a man with a large beard named Toby drinking a whisky and coke. He didn’t seem alarmed in the slightest that a random girl had just appeared in his backyard. In fact, he was very warm and kind. He poured me a drink and we stayed up watching YouTube videos and talking until the sun came up. I realized I had to get to work the next morning so Toby gave me an Adderall so I could stay awake.


I didn’t know it at the time, but this incident was the beginning of the end of my drinking days. A little more than a month later I moved home to Ohio to finally do the hard work of getting sober.


This was the first time I’d stayed out all night, and was certainly one of the riskiest things I’d ever done. Things could’ve turned out much worse. That night I hit a personal low. But, after this experience I realized my addiction to alcohol was rapidly progressing.


The days after this event were hard, but looking back I’m grateful for the experience because it’s the wake-up call I needed.

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