Trigger Warning: This post talks openly about suicidal ideation and death. Also, I swear, so if that's not your thing, I'd suggest you stop reading now.
I walked into an AA meeting today and sat next to a sweet, older looking lady. After a few minutes into the meeting she started talking about the miracle of AA. She went on to say that one day she prayed and God magically took away her cravings and desire to drink. She assured the entire room that it would happen to them as well if they just believe and pray hard enough.
The first thing I thought was, "where's my fucking miracle God?" (Yes, I do swear in my prayers sometimes, judge me.)
I know I've only been sober for a month but man, have I been praying. I get on my knees every morning and night begging for God's help to stay sober.
Despite all of this I'm still struggling and my mental health is suffering. I thought that in sobriety things would magically get better in my life. This is definitely not the case for me.
For the past few weeks I've been tired. It's not the kind of tired that a good night's sleep can fix. I'm tired of living. In fact, I have the thought of wanting to die many times a day.
These words are hard to type because I don't want to seem like I'm complaining or seeking attention. I'm simply sharing my experience because I know it's not unique to just me.
I'm currently experiencing what's known as being passively suicidal. I don't have a plan on killing myself, I simply want to die or sleep forever. Being passively suicidal simply means you have thoughts of wanting to die.
I've done everything I can think of to help it. I run weekly, go to therapy, am sober, meditate, journal, see a psychiatrist, take my meds daily, and yet my brain still tells me it wants to die.
I don't have the answer, but that's not why I'm writing this. Suicide is a very important topic to talk about. It's very often misunderstood. People are afraid of the subject, understandably so.
The people experiencing it are often scared of it as well. But, I believe that sharing and talking about it is just small step forward to ending the stigma related to mental illness.
I also wanted to give my readers a glimpse into what living with a mental illness is really like. It's messy, and complicated. We don't take a pill and get better. Our healing isn't linear. So, if you know someone suffering please be patient and kind.
I do have one thing, and that's faith. Faith that I will heal and learn how to best live with this condition.